I just donated my wedding dress to House of Hope.
It was a lot harder than I thought.
I drove away with anxiety and sadness and realizing that was the last little piece I had of my wedding, my marriage and a life I left behind (not by choice).
Last weekend I cleaned out my room and stumbled upon my wedding albums. For the first time I felt OK trashing them. I took one last look, tore out a page of photos with my family sans Fuck Face then threw the albums into the trash pile.
I pulled my dress out of my closet, opened the garment bag, smoked a bowl, played my wedding song and just looked at it.
I had to force myself to feel.
I’ve been really good at not feeling.
I’d say I’m doing pretty well.
I have a great job.
I’m in love (more on that in a minute).
And I have really, really good friends.
Lucky for me, they all came to my rescue two weeks ago when I took a knee to the head during the championship game in a volleyball tournament.
I got knocked out for a few seconds and ended up with a concussion and TMJ after spending two hours at the ER.
We lost the game — which totally sucks more.
OK for that love thing…. don’t yell at me.
M and I are back together. We had some stuff to work through.
I had to come clean about my panicking when he told me he loved me. My more panicking and pushing him away when he talked about moving in together.
I had to admit I got really drunk right after our breakup and made out with JC.
(Things with JC are now totally fucked).
He had to admit what he did was really fucked up.
We are doing really well. And minus the week we spent apart (where we both realized how heartbroken we were) we will have been together six months in mid May.
And you guys, I’m actually opening up!
Back to the dress and wedding albums… I have to admit, when I took the albums to the dumpster, I looked through our engagement photos one more time. I pulled one out and saved it. I was so young, Fuck Face was so young, and you could tell how madly in love we were in that photo.
That’s the memory I want to keep.
Before the bullshit. Before the lying, cheating and money issues. Before the M.S. and layoffs at my job.
Before we grew apart.
I put the photo in my memory box and put the box back under my bed.