F%$K you Facebook

Commence anxiety attack.

I’m sitting at my desk on this lovely Friday and Facebook decides to remind me that exactly two years ago, I was on a plane surrounded by my family, closest friends — and soon-to-be husband.

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Gee, thanks Facebook. And fuck you too.

I absolutely want to be reminded of how excited I was to be starting a life with, who I thought was my soulmate.

Fuck

Thats about all I can say right now.

Oh, and the best part? I told Facebook I didn’t want to see that post and Facebook apoligized for “showing me a memory I didn’t want to remember.”

Awesome.

My anniversary is Sunday.

Think he will remember?

Think he will think about that day? About me?

Why do I even give a fuck? I’ll be spending the day with my grandparents, going to church, out to eat and to the beach. And thanking God every second of the day for giving me a second chance at life and having the strength to walk away from fuck face.

And I just cried in the bathroom at work. Awesome.

The whole time I was in there I was thinking “get your shit together” something I regularly (and jokingly) tell my girlfriends.

I told three people about Facebook’s cruel little joke.

My best friend Alex (who will be here in a week for our cruise) my girlfriend at work (who is one of the very few people who gets to read this blog) and Single Dad (because he has gone through this and c’mon a girl need a bit of love).

And of course, all three were supportive and amazing and Alex told me to “drink up” (this is why she is my bestie).

Single dad sent me a poem (why does he have to be so amazing?) (see poem at end the end)

And suddenly I feel better. Thanks for listening to my tangent. Here’s to moving forward.

– End Rant –

Don’t Quit

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow–
You may succeed with another blow,
Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Man cleanse and a big move 

Ok not really. I’m literally moving five buildings away. 

Today I’m packing and organizing and starting to say goodbye to my first Florida home.  

This place has so many memories. (Read: random drunken nights and sexcapades. )

And I am so proud I was crazy enough to leave Colorado, everything I had known, for a solo adventure in this magical place.  

I’m moving in with a girl from work (praying it works out great, my track record is not exactly winning) to a bigger, nicer place and away from the wonderful slob of a roommate/like a little brother dude I’ve been living with since November.

Anyways, I’ve got some updates.

I’m supposed to be on a man cleanse. And to help with that, my doctor removed a sun spot/large freckle from two inches above my vajayjay.

Yes you read that correctly. I haven’t worn pants in a week because of it.

But, that didn’t stop me from have a romp sesh last night.

Gasp …. Single dad is back and once again blowing my mind.

Man cleanse?? No, I’m way too horny for that shit. 

I need to finish packing. UGH  

 

Bridge of tears



I just finished my Monday bridge run. This time as I triumphed through the “finish line” I broke down in tears.

I don’t remember the last time I cried.

What’s funny is I used to cry all the time. Now, through this journey I’ve grown such a hard exterior you could throw rocks at my face and I’d still smile.

It might be time to see Mrs. Therapy again.

It was nice to cry, though it didn’t last long. I am still vulnerable. I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m proud of a lot of things. And I am really struggling with my 30-day man detox. To you it sounds stupid, but to me it’s a very hard thing to come home at night and nobody gives a fuck about your day or the fact that you had a borderline mental breakdown on a bridge in one of the most beautiful places.

i told my gay best friend about my struggle. His answer?  “Girl, you just need some sex!”

Yes, this is very true.

And as much as I want to call single dad, the guy who rocked my world, I know I need to wait this out. I need to let myself feel this pain and stop distracting myself from the healing process.

So here we go, my 30-day man detox continues. 

At least I have nature to distract me ❤️



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All the moving pieces

There are so many moving pieces (I don’t know what that says about me) and I’m going to introduce a few more. So to get you up to speed:

Fuck Face
You know and (probably hate) this guy. He is the reason I started this blog. To recap: I met him in high school. We connected in college, fell in love and got married after four years of dating. We had a home and a dog. Eight months after the wedding, I heard him tell another woman (I knew) that he loved her. I proceeded to punch him in the face, kick him out of the house, fall to the ground (as my life in that moment ended) get up from the ground, drink heavily with my best friend, destroy a lot of things and make a plan to move to Florida — all in a matter of hours mind you. I still hear from him, the asshole called the other day. And he sends me money every month to pay for that wonder fucking wedding we had.

Coach
He is gone now, he decided to take a job in Iowa for some fucked up reason. He was 38, a teacher, divorced. We had great chemistry but he would have been a horrible boyfriend. I found out he was moving on Facebook — not a complete surprise, I knew he had an interview and such. I was pretty pissed, called him out on it and we didn’t speak for almost two weeks. I did get an apology from him the other night. So you know, Hobby Lobby refers to making out in the back of my car in the parking lot after too many drinks (how embarrassing).

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Mr. L

I started dating him a few weeks after moving here. Then he moved to Colorado, literally miles from where I just came from. We still talk. For a while we were still hooking up when he came home for holidays. Now he is dating someone. We fight like brother and sister now (or maybe husband and wife? ew!) We just had yet another fight and it went something like this…. (alcohol and encouragement from a friend was involved and I’ll admit, I still have feelings for him *^$%@&^)

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Golfer

I had a nice date with him. We met over corn hole at a bar. And it pretty much ended after that one nice date.

Single Dad

I’m not sure if I mentioned him yet. Yes, surprise, I don’t tell you guys absolutely everything just about 99 percent of it. We met on tinder, he is a divorced, single dad. He is very sweet, treated me like a queen. The problem was I just wasn’t that attracted to him. So I cut things off. Then he sweet talked me into giving him a second chance and things went well for about two weeks. Somehow without being that attracted to him we had amazing sexual chemistry and mind-blowing sex! WHAT THE FUCK how does that even happen??? But I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to show him off to my friends and that’s a big problem. So that’s done.

Photog

And finally, Photog is the latest guy to make the blog. I met him at the burn last weekend at the beach. He brought my inner hippie out. He is very sweet and excited about life. I saw him again one night during the week at the local watering hole. Then I decided to hit up a spring training baseball game with him. And after a few hours I decided I am not attracted to him either. Damn it! What is my problem??

I need a serious break from dating and men and just yuck.

Yuck.

Ring of Fire (and moonshine)

It’s my one day a week to sleep till 9 a.m. and what happens? I go out the night before and wake up at 6 a.m. feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus.

I finally have the urge to write, so I’m in bed pounding the keyboard. Let’s see if anything of interest comes out.

OK I know you’re dying to know what ring of fire and moonshine is all about…

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A few weeks ago over libations I was chatting with my girlfriend/yoga teacher about God knows what (that’s what happens when I drink wine) and we decided it would be fun to burn shit. I’m talking wedding photos, love letters and whatever else is holding us back in life.

It sounds super hippie I know, but just wait, it gets even better.

On Sunday, we went through with it. Like full-on bonfire on the beach.
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I don’t have any shit to burn because I threw all that out the day I caught Fuck Face cheating. I still have a few things, like signed playing cards which were our guest book, and photos with friends and family. But it’s all packed away at my grandparents’ house to keep me from going through it and possibly wanting to inflict harm on others.

I promise I’m not crazy, I only get the urge to stab Fuck Face about once a month.

Back to the fire.

It was awesome. Also, when did I become such a hippie?

Seriously, the sun went down, the moonshine and weed came out and a few of us, (I only knew my girlfriend) talked about life. And here is where a new “moving piece” is introduced, but you’ll have to wait to hear about that one.

Moral of the story? I love this place and these people. And I’m going to say it, I’m thankful Fuck Face left me. It gave me the opportunity and empowerment (ironic eh?) to do crazy shit like this.

And as the moon came out, Jupiter floating below it (I know because I pulled out my stargazing app) the fire was dying down and I realized life is pretty damn good.

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Eye roll, hump day and other shenanigans

Hell froze over this morning when my phone rang and Fuck Face was calling. Seriously, that’s his name in my phone.

I swear, the minute I begin to forget his existence, he somehow manages to make himself known again.

He called to tell me “our” health insurance company was hacked and I need to go to some website to see if my information was taken.

OK.
1. I work in the news, I’m aware the company was hacked and I’ve already taken precautions.
2. Did he really need to call? A text, an email, a fucking letter would have been fine. But a phone call?

In other news:

Coach is moving to BFE Iowa. I found out on Facebook. So that’s done. Like really done this time, we haven’t spoken in more than a week.

I had a nice date with a guy I met whole playing corn hole at a bar. He took me to a nice restaurant in the marina. He was a bit shy. No kiss. But he was a gentleman, opened doors, pulled out my chair, you know. No second date planned yet but we are talking.

I started my new position last week and the schedule change is putting me on my ass. Though it could also be my neck problems or the sack of weed hidden in my drawer.

My roommate is moving out. He screwed me over, I yelled, there was cussing, I apologized. I’m moving in with a girlfriend in a few weeks. This could be amazing or absolutely terrible.

I managed to get a raise! Not much, enough to buy a few more packages of ramen since that’s really all I can afford to eat. OK I don’t eat ramen but you get what I’m saying.

And that’s all for now. Happy hump day ❤️

P.S. The photo is from my run on the beach this morning. Hooray for getting my ass out of bed!

Life is a pain in the neck

I’ve been MIA, I know.

I have good reasons, I promise.

1. I completely fucked up my neck, at yoga of all places. My C1 and C2 vertebrae are out of place. I’m seeing a chiropractor who is also doing electrotherapy and acupuncture three times a week. So really, she is just talking all my money. But I’m convinced it’s working because I literally feel high when I leave.

2. I was promoted to a new position at work.  A lot more digital stuff, think graphics, charts, polls, social media. I start next week with a new boss and a new schedule. NO MORE SUNDAYS AT 7 AM! And no more nights. So maybe, just maybe, I can have a normal dating life! (Ha, who are we kidding?) I completely screwed someone else over in the process (not by choice) We switched jobs because she is terrible at hers….. So there is a bit of tension and a lot of gossip in the office.

3. I blew a lot of money on a cruise, because I fucking deserve to be on a boat, with a balcony room in the Bahamas for several days — where I can be lazy, get massages, read my book and answer to nobody. (except for maybe my best friend who is joining me). It’s an “I made it a whole year in a state where I know zero people” celebration. Cue the tequila.

4. And then there is Coach. On last update, we were on the outs. I extended the olive branch (as he put it) after not talking for several days. We took a bottle of wine to the beach that night — my favorite thing to do —  and talked about three hours. It was his idea after I said something to the likes of I’m done trying, ball is in your court. For the first time we got pretty deep. I should mention we went through similar situations. His wife left him, then had a baby with a man less than a year later. You all know my situation with Fuck Face. And we admitted we both have issues with trust, with opening up and with putting an effort forward because we are both so fucking scared of a repeat. Things got even deeper when we both admitted suicidal thoughts shortly after our significant others left us. For me, I on several occasions wanted to take a razor to my wrists. I never did. For him — he went through with an attempt. That story was gut-wrenching, but I needed to hear it from him. We both know what it is like to hit rock bottom. To have the one person in the world you love, you would do anything for look at you and say “I don’t want you. I’m in love with someone else.” He said

You don’t buy a ring, make a plan and propose without thinking you know it’s going to be forever.”

So yes, I’ve been avoiding writing. I’ve been stuck in my head (and in my bed). I had a hard week.

On a brighter note, I’m beginning to discover that I no longer feel like the “divorced girl.” I feel like a normal person. I don’t bring the subject up anymore like I used to. Though I do bitch about being single (ha!)

As for Coach — he is in Iowa for a job interview. I sure know how to pick ’em don’t I? He said he doesn’t want to move and he applied for this job in October. If you recall, a certain Mr. L moved to Colorado after we started dating.

If Coach stays, I’m not sure what will become of us.

Story of my life.

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