To everything there is a season

I just donated my wedding dress to House of Hope.

It was a lot harder than I thought.

I drove away with anxiety and sadness and realizing that was the last little piece I had of my wedding, my marriage and a life I left behind (not by choice).

Last weekend I cleaned out my room and stumbled upon my wedding albums. For the first time I felt OK trashing them. I took one last look, tore out a page of photos with my family sans Fuck Face then threw the albums into the trash pile.

I pulled my dress out of my closet, opened the garment bag, smoked a bowl, played my wedding song and just looked at it.

I had to force myself to feel.

I’ve been really good at not feeling.

It’s been two years since I moved to Florida. Which means just over two years since my marriage fell apart.

I’d say I’m doing pretty well.

I have a great job.

I’m in love (more on that in a minute).

And I have really, really good friends.

Lucky for me, they all came to my rescue two weeks ago when I took a knee to the head during the championship game in a volleyball tournament.

I got knocked out for a few seconds and ended up with a concussion and TMJ after spending two hours at the ER.

We lost the game — which totally sucks more.

OK for that love thing…. don’t yell at me.

M and I are back together. We had some stuff to work through.

I had to come clean about my panicking when he told me he loved me. My more panicking and pushing him away when he talked about moving in together.

I had to admit I got really drunk right after our breakup and made out with JC.

(Things with JC are now totally fucked).

He had to admit what he did was really fucked up.

We are doing really well. And minus the week we spent apart (where we both realized how heartbroken we were) we will have been together six months in mid May.

And you guys, I’m actually opening up!

Back to the dress and wedding albums… I have to admit, when I took the albums to the dumpster, I looked through our engagement photos one more time. I pulled one out and saved it. I was so young, Fuck Face was so young, and you could tell how madly in love we were in that photo.

That’s the memory I want to keep.

Before the bullshit. Before the lying, cheating and money issues. Before the M.S. and layoffs at my job.

Before we grew apart.

I put the photo in my memory box and put the box back under my bed.

When things come crashing down — again.

Three weeks ago, M told me he loved me.

Yesterday, I dumped him.

Here’s the story:

Thursday after kickball (M and I met in a kickball league but were on different teams) M and I went out with all of our friends, had a great night then went to my place. Drinks were involved, as they always seemed to be.

He was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I was drunkenly looking for my phone. I took his phone to call mine which I figured was in my car. When I walked inside something came over me and I snooped. I found a text to a woman. Well, lots of innocent texts to a lot of women. Except for one.

M told this women she should stop by his house on her drive south and he would give her a full body rub.

My heart sank.

He opened the front door, I shoved his phone into his chest.

He then flipped out, told me to call him when I become more secure and said “not every man is your ex-husband.”

He walked out the door and refused to talk to me FOR TWO DAYS.

Friday night I needed my friends to get me drunk and distract me. And they did.

Saturday he finally called after I called and texted (stupid girl.)

We talked, he said I had nothing to worry about. He admitted he took it too far. He got on my case for snooping, then said something silly to make me laugh.

He told me to get ready then wined and dined me recreating our first date.

Three days of extreme anxiety went by, and I’ll give him credit, he texted more and gave more backrubs.

But it was too late.

Monday night I pounded a bottle of wine with JC (no, sadly not Jesus Christ.)

He’s a good friend. His wife left him over the summer. He moved into my apartment complex. When I first moved to Florida I lived with his ex-wife’s brother.

Keeping up?

Anyway, JC let me talk and cry — and get drunk. He ended up comforting me as I was in the fetal position on his couch. And yes, we may have gotten a little too close.

Come Wednesday, I couldn’t take it anymore. And M knew it. He pulled down our photo from his Facebook profile.

I called him, he ignored. I texted, he was a dick.

I finally sucked it up and said

“I see you took down our photo. Should we rip the band-aid off and call it quits?”

He said, “Sounds good to me.”

And that was it.

I was sad and hurt. But also relieved.

It sucks that someone who just told me he loved me, was making plans for me to move in when my lease is up in August, who sold his fast car for a truck to buy a boat because I wanted one, could just be done.

But he’s 44 and now I know there is a reason he is single.

I’m starting to wonder if I will ever find someone who’s in it for the long run.

SMH.
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via GIPHY

All is fair in love and kickball 

Hey guys, long time no talk. 

Seriously, like months.

A few of you have reached out to see what I’m up to and I love you guys for that ❤️

As I write this I’m in a car, riding shotgun next to M. 

He’s got his hand on my leg as we make our way to Tampa.

He planned a weekend getaway including a hotel on the bay.

I think I just blushed. 

Let’s go back.

I haven’t written anything in a few months. I was in a funk of horrible dates, weight gain and a crazy work schedule. I felt like my blog was only bringing me down, reminding me of Fuck Face and all the things I was trying to move on from. 

So I took a break from blogging and from dating. I joined a kickball team, started playing volleyball three nights a week and made a lot of new friends. 

After weeks of torment and horrible self talk (this little voice likes to remind me that nobody is thinking about me, nobody gives a shit about me), I finally became OK with being single and not dating. 

As the kickball season ended, I went out to the bar with my team and my new friend Karen. 

Enter M.

He walked up, very tall and handsome, looked right at me and said, “what shot are we taking?”

I was speechless. So bold of him, I glanced at Karen who gave me an encouraging nod and said “Fireball.”

He returned for fireball shots for my whole table and sat right next to me. 

An hour later I was ready to leave and walked out with my friends. He left at the same time, too. We spent another hour chatting in the parking lot. 

We had sushi the next night and have been attached at the hip ever since. 

He’s very tall, athletic and 17 years  older than I am.

I never really notice the age difference, my parents and friends are very supportive and for the first time in my life I feel like someone wants to and enjoys taking care of me. 

It’s been two months. There’s no telling where this will go. But for now we really enjoy each others’ company and in the end, that’s what’s important. 

I miss all of you, I can’t wait to catch up ❤️

I kissed a boy at a football game

You guys, Fuck Face paid me on time and I didn’t even have to ask.

Progress.

It’s only been 20 months?

So how have you been?

I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.

I’ve had a few setbacks in life, some illness that put me on my ass for two weeks, another bad date and major difficulties finding a second job.

On the bright side, I’m going to Cuba(!!), joined a kickball and volleyball league and went to my first Gators game (which was amazing!)

And I’ve completely stopped dating. For real this time I promise. It’s just not worth the energy.

I will say, Single Dad regularly asks me if he can come over and rub my back.

Clearly he doesn’t know how this “just friends” thing works.

Or maybe he’s really good at it?

Whatever.

I’ve decided to focus all my energy into having amazing experiences with my friends.

Gainesville round II is happening in a few weeks.

I do have one slight confession.

I drank a lot over the weekend in Gainesville (shut up, that’s not the confession) and made out with/canoodled a guy pretty much the whole time I was there. Nothing more happened, just a shared bed and a back rub. And really that’s all I want — like ever.

That’s perfectly acceptable right?

He lives far away and we both knew it was a one-night, drunken-stupor thing.

gainesvillegatorcountry

Oh this is a fun story.

I had a dream I crashed Fuck Face’s wedding (not that he’s getting married but I really don’t know) while wearing my wedding dress from our wedding. Awesome huh? I was so emotional when I woke up I almost cried on the treadmill during my morning workout.

So I blasted some hateful music, cursed his name and moved on.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed he keeps paying me on time so we don’t have to communicate.

Only four years left of payments!

Woohoo! (more like (#*$&!!)

Titleless and bitchy

I’m sitting at Starbucks applying for jobs.

No, it’s not what you think. I’m looking for a part-time gig on the weekends because my divorce and playing a little too hard (read: enjoying my new-found freedom) over the past year has made me BROKE.

I now need to dig myself out of a financial hole and set a shit ton of money aside to be my best friend’s maid of honor.

Yay me.

I hate weddings.

And if I really want to jump ship again and move to a big city, I’m going to need some funds so I don’t wind up selling body parts.

Oh and student loan people are up my ass to pay them.

So if ya’ll know of any rich people who are willing to give money away, I would be willing to take those funds off their hands.

In other news, I’m still on a dating hiatus.

But that didn’t stop a guy from hitting on me at the grocery store. Ballsey eh?

I gave him my number, he seemed nice, normal and attractive.

We exchanged texts for two days before I realized we had nothing in common. For starters he doesn’t drink.

Ya’ll know I can’t function without my wine.

And my final straw was when he said goodnight and told me to dream about him.

Um, no.

And that was that.

You want to hear something totally TMI? If not, just stop reading now.

Today I “cleaned up” down stairs.

I had a forest growing.

OK you can laugh, but don’t act like it hasn’t happened to you.

I know I only did it for myself but I’m totally OK with that!

I’m still working my way out of this hibernation funk that’s causing my ass to get bigger.

Are you really still laughing at me?

Whatever.

It’s OK, I know I’m a hot mess.

Thanks for reading😉

Dating loopholes

Oi vey.

I’ve been avoiding you guys. 

It’s nothing personal, I’m just a little lost and bruised from the regular beatings from life.

Here’s a funny story. Only it’s not funny it actually really sucked.

Met up with a guy I was chatting with online. We hit it off. He was 37, single dad of teens and was seeking adventure, much like I am. We spent two great weeks together filled with kayaking, great dinner dates and really forming a bond. He even randomly bought a ring from a vender set up by the water one night. Nothing crazy you guys, just a pretty dolphin ring for fun.

Here’s the best part. We had plans on a Saturday, he blew me off and I never heard from him again. 

That was three weeks ago. 

And that dolphin ring? I pulled a Kendra:  

 
I’ve quit all online dating. 

Which really means I’ve quit dating all together because I can’t seem to meet guys any other way. YAY.

I’ve spent some downtown with friends and put so much of my focus into my career.

I’m also trying to find a second job waiting tables so I can get my finances together. If I really want to move in a year I need to get my shit together! 

No more random trips to Target. (Damn you target).

So yes, life is pretty boring at the moment. Stay with me, I’m sure things will get crazy again knowing my track record and all.