Just breathe

Checking in from Colorado as I sit in the sunshine on my aunt and uncle’s deck. There is nobody home and I spent the morning by myself, running around the reservoir across the street. 

It felt so good to reconnect with myself and this place all alone this morning. I really needed this recharge. 

I lived in his home for almost four months. I moved in the day after I caught my now ex-husband (Fuck Face for your loyal readers) cheating on me eight months into out marriage. 

In a way, I feel like a ran away from this state and my home. Which in a way I did. I worked my ass off to find a great job in Florida and start a new adventure in my life. 

I regret absolutely nothing. And I for the first time, completely love my life. 

I know this place will always be home and will welcome me with open arms. 

Yes this is a cheesy, stupid emotional post but you know what? I did it you guys. I went through the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and here I am coming out on the other side. I feel like finally coming home after more than a year and facing all the dark places I left behind is the last step in my healing process. 

I did it.

With a little dignity.

A little class.

And a lot of wine and weed.

My family and friends are my rock. The ocean healed my soul. 

I did it.    

       

“No Boys Allowed” (while I’m gone)

Whelp, this is it. I leave for the motherland (Colorado) in 12 hours.

I’m beyond excited for the people, the food, the beer and the weed.

I also have this annoying voice deep inside of me telling me this is going to be hard. It’ll bring up emotions and memories I’ve been so good at suppressing for more than a year, (Damn you feelings!)

(Enter weed to shut that bitch up)

I’ve got a lot of awesome stuff planned and people to see. I’ve also got a lot of people I’m avoiding and places I don’t care to see.

I do know Fuck Face will be out of town.

I know you are yelling at your computer, asking me how I know that.

I had to harass him (you know, my monthly ritual) about money.

I ended the conversation saying “I’m going to be in town next week, let’s do our best to avoid any awkward run ins.”

Which should read “If I see you or your piece-of-shit home-wrecking girlfriend there will be hell (and my first girl fight).”

I promise I really am an adult.

This trip will be a nice break from the horrendous thing people call dating.

Army guy is done. And as my grandmother put it, “another one bites the dust.”

Between the mediocre sex and the fact that he watched TV while I made dinner, I decided I WILL NOT take care of someone again.

I had a great girls’ weekend with my roommate which involved brunch, mimosas on the beach, catching the sunrise and one last smoke sesh with a girlfriend moving out of the country.

Looking forward to a clean dating slate when I get back.

Wish me luck (and a run-in free) week in Colorado!

dacia_yoga dacia2 dacia3 dacia4

“What up brochacho?”

Can someone please explain to me how it’s possible for me to be so annoyed/disgusted by the “male species” yet I still feel the need to have one of the dirty, smelly beings in my life?

For reals, this is a mean little game someone upstairs is playing.

Let’s start with this story…

I met a guy on Tinder almost a year ago. He is WAY too old, like the dude reminds me of my dad. He’s about 15 years older than me. We turned whatever nonsense that meeting was into a friendship that revolves around playing volleyball with a group of people every Saturday.

A while back, he had a party to watch football. OK cool, I’ll go. I’m always down to meet new people. I also met his parents.

Fast forward to Saturday (I skipped volleyball because a certain Army Guy was in my bed). Volleyball guy informs me his parents are making dinner and have a soccer watching party Monday night. I feel obligate to go. SO I drag my feet, accept the invite, make brownies (and eat batter in the process) and show up to the party Monday night after work.

Uh… more like party for ONE.

I was the only guest.

So it was volleyball guy, mom and dad and me.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Dinner was good. His dad talks about himself a lot (as does he) and really, the entire time I was there, I wanted to inflict personal harm.

WHY? I am so confused, especially because a few months ago volleyball guy even said “don’t worry I’m not hitting on you.”

Oh and the best moment of the night? His mom said “So, (Volleyball guy) tells me you had a few questions about IBS?”

Um, no?

He said “no mom, that’s a different friend.”

True story people. I can’t make this shit up.

OK, OK. Army guy?

Well that hasn’t been going very well. He blew me off last weekend. I was pretty much over it. (I don’t put up with bullshit any more)

He apologized and wanted to take me to sushi and what girl is going to turn that down?

Sushi > drinks > bowling > drinks > me puking after tequila (sound familiar) > him taking care of me > drunken sex > sleep over at my place > waking up early to take my roommate to the doctor > me bringing bagels home to him in my bed (at which point he began to fall in love) > fooling around > him finally leaving.

Then I had a date with a different guy on Sunday. He’s hot, Brazilian and very sweet. We’ve been out a few times but this time we got a bit closer, I saw his house and decided he might be gay. Or possibly just very, very metro. He has better sunglasses than I do and drives a Jetta.

I’ve talked to Army guy a bit since our Friday night rumble in which he gave me an open invitation to come “snuggle” whenever I want. Yet at one point he also texted me “What up brochacho?”

Um, what?

Back to me hating me. Can you see why?

I’m going home to Denver in two weeks, and until then I’m focused on getting my life back together, like going to the gym and paying bills. You know, all that being an adult shit.

I need a little clarity.

I also need Army Guy to get his shit together and make more of an effort to see me — and never, ever use the word brochacho again.

Out with the old, in with the new?

There’s been an interesting turn of events the past week.

For starters, Single Dad dumped me. Don’t be too surprised, I didn’t exactly put a whole lot of effort into keeping the relationship alive. He said he was tired of me being so back-and-forth. Who me??

Honestly, I’m relieved.

I had a date with a new guy. Which turned into three dates.

Date one: We met at a local bar for a drink and hit it off. Walked to the pizza joint then to a geocache spot and finished at my favorite tiki spot with plenty of swings, hammocks, live music and giant Jenga. All of which we enjoyed.

He kissed me goodbye

Date two: We met at a restaurant/bar on the water. Had a quick dinner then mingled with the crowed listening to music. We ended up cozying up at the bar and spent two hours people watching and gossiping together. On more than one occasion I received compliments on my dress and twice we were called a beautiful couple.

Yeah, I was on cloud nine.

And we danced….

The night ended with us sneaking onto a sailboat to kiss under the stars.

We will get to date three in a moment, I just have to explain how amazing (and boy free) the rest of my Memorial Day weekend was. Yes the paddle boarding and time in the sun was amazing but I was lucky enough to take another flight with my friend. This time we went to Sarasota and it was BEAUTIFUL.

Yes, my mother tells me all the time, I live a spoiled life.

I call it Karma for the hell I had to go through with Fuck Face to get to this point in my life.

sara1 sara2

sara3 sara4

OK date three: I went over to his house for wine and a movie. We managed to make it through the first movie (except for an intermission to sit on the patio and watch a thunderstorm roll in). But 10 minutes into the second movie we were all over each other. He ended up picking me up and carrying me to his bedroom totally cross-the-threshold style. NO I did not sleep with him!

But there was a lot of kissing and touching and you know…

He told me I should stay, and let me just tell you… every part of me wanted to stay but with my luck I was fighting stomach problems and knew I needed to go home to avoid any embarrassing situations.

UGH

Had I stayed I’m sure more would have happened than I would have liked.

You want details about him huh?

OK… 6-feet-tall, Army vet, is in the process of taking over his parents’ business. Owns a home and a very nice car. And I have to admit, he is a year younger than me.

Yep. I’m totally cradle robbing!

And the best part? I am SO attracted to him (Unlike my many issues with Single Dad)

Yes I’m still out to have fun. No I’m not trying to lock this one down or let him do the same to me.

But being called a beautiful couple is still pretty fucking awesome.

Why you shouldn’t drunk text … and other shenanigans

If you recall, I did a really dumb thing. I got stupid drunk and texted Fuck Face.

Nothing (too) crazy, just a selfie and me wishing he wakes up every day knowing what he walked away from. You know, normal shit.

I played it off (OK, tried) by saying a friend sent it and said “don’t worry, I’m not pining over you.”

A week went by and he was silent except for an “accidental” voice text of noise and voices I couldn’t quite understand.

I had to message him about money, because for some fucking reason the guy cannot seem to pay me every month. We are still paying off that beautiful wedding we had.

His reply: Shit sorry I forgot, I must have been pining over something else.

Ouch.

Well played.

Of course the conversation didn’t end there. We chatted about stupid shit like if a friend really sent my drunken selfie. I said it was dual effort but my friend actually sent it. Yes that’s complete bullshit.

He asked about regrets and what I miss.

I said I missed our dog, some friends and the weather. (I live in a different state now)

I think he got the point that IDGAF about him. At least that’s what I want him to think.

He made it pretty clear he doesn’t miss me either.

The shitty part is the conversation shook me up for a few days. Amped up the anxiety a bit.

In other news, I had a great birthday! My girlfriends took me out for drinks, then there was an after party and of course, birthday sex from Single Dad.

birthday

Yes, he is still in the picture…. sort of…

When I woke up with him in my bed (and finally sober) I told him to quit the bullshit about being possessive and jealous and just to enjoy what we do. He smiled and nodded.

When did I turn into a 23-year-old bachelor? “Just enjoy what we do.” So douchey.

I’m also back to online dating…. and again, it sucks. At least it’s entertaining.

What did we learn?

Don’t get drunk and text Fuck Face
I have the love life of a 23-year-old bachelor
Online dating sucks.

My life is awesome.

Becoming a yes girl

Can we please talk about how I went through months of complete Hell after I caught my husband of eight months telling another woman he loved her?

OK, that’s not the part I want to talk about.

I want to talk about what happened after I made it through those hellish months.

An amazing (albeit hard at times) life happened.

Here’s my awesome story:

I was running with my friend on Thursday when a neighbor/friend called and asked if I wanted to fly to Miami for a few hours. He’s a pilot and needs hours for his commercial licence. I should also mention he’s a bit “sweet on me” but is only here for a short time and is way too young for me.

My first reaction was no (out of fear of small planes and really needing to go to the grocery store). So I promised I would join the fun soon.

And by soon I mean we made plans that night to fly to Key West on Sunday.

It was one of the coolest things I’ve ever done.

It was a small, four-seat plane, I sat shotgun and was in complete awe as we few at 500 feet along the southeast coast of Florida.

Keys plane_ezra Port_everglades Profile_Airplane Stuart_DJ WPB

Yes, my story is awesome. And It all happened because I said yes. Yes to a new place, new friends, a new life. Just say yes.

“Bad things can happen, and often do–but they only take up a few pages of your story; and anyone can survive a few pages.”

YES!

Side tracked by life

It’s been far too long since I’ve blogged and I’ve realized a lot can happen in a month including an awesome vacation and a relapse (texting my ex)

Grab some popcorn, this’ll be fun for you — not so much me as I admit my fucked up life choices.

The cruise

It was my first, not quite what I expected yet still pretty awesome. My best friend flew out, I hadn’t seen her in a year and the first two hours were a bit awkward. We stopped at Trader Joe’s where she proceeded to tell me “Florida ha changed you.”

More like a divorce and a skin cancer scare has changed me — but whatever.

We got right back into the swing of things, drank way too much (see muster drill photo below) I got seasick, gained 5 pounds then spent three days recovering.    

    

The boy situation

I’m sorta kinda seeing single dad. And by that I mean seeing him in person one to two times a week for great food and great sex. Technically he is still married, wife cheated, she is living with her boyfriend. And there is that minor detail that I’m not all that attracted to him. But things are changing, he is growing on me. It’s a really nice change to have someone really want to take care of me. So nice I don’t know how to deal with it and I keep running away….. He came to my rescue last night when I got home late after a concert, pulled the band aid off my back and had a meltdown over how huge the wound is on my back from where my doctor took a chunk of skin (and what looked like other human body parts) about the size of a silver dollar. No stitches just a hole. And me, who has been a complete wreck lately, didn’t have any band aids big enough to cover my hole. So he happens to call, I’m crying, he figured out why then arrives at my door 20 minutes later with band aids and my favorite ice cream. My heart melted. I accepted the help — and back rub.

I’ll keep you posted on what happens with him.

Moment of weakness

Ready for this story? It’s a good one. And by good I mean my most embarrassing night in YEARS.

  • Friday night 6 pm: I’m pounding wine.
  • 8 pm: girlfriends convince me to go out on the town.
  • 10 pm: I’m dressed, looking pretty hot, also completely shit faced.
  • 10:30 pm: girlfriend drives us to another girl’s place, I bring wine in the car.
  • 11 pm: in the car I send a text to Fuck Face with a selfie included saying something to the likes of “I hope you wake up every day realizing what you walked away from.”
  • 11:02 pm; I text my best friend (the one from the cruise) and admit what I did, she asks way, I say I don’t know, I realize I’m an idiot.
  • 11:20 pm: I send another text to fuck face saying “shit sorry, that was my friend. Don’t worry I’m not pining over you.”
  • 11:30 pm: shots of pineapple vodka 
  • 12:30 pm: I puke in my friends car.
  • 12:40 pm: My sorry ass is dropped off at home and the girls head out to the club.
  • 7:50 am: roommate knocks on my door as she is JUST COMING HOME FROM THE NIGHT OUT. Wakes me up, I’m still drunk and I have to shower to go to the doctor to get a chunk of skin removed.
  • 9 am: Finally sober – realize how embarrassed and stupid I am for texting fuck face and puking. 

To answer your question, fuck face never responded. And I had NEVER sent him a text like that before. Still trying to figure out what the fuck was going through my mind.

Other updates

I’m going back to Colorado for the first time since the divorce, it’s been more than a year.

I’m on a mission to lose 10 pounds, somehow between drinking, eating and cruising I’ve packed on the pounds. (Wonder how that happened.)

New roommate situation is going well – we get along great and balance each other out. But we do dabble in the weed a little too often. 

And that’s all for now. I’m going to go bury my head in the sand for a while.