A little story on karma

Let me tell you a little story.

After about three months of being separated from fuck face (read: ex-husband who cheated) my very gay uncle who I love dearly sent me a letter. He told me how awesome of a person I am and that he and his partner are thinking about me. He also used a few curse words involving fuck face’s name.

Also in the letter was a very little woven man who he named David.

He said he once got one of these little men from a friend. And legend says if you name the little man after someone you don’t care for, then drop said man in a small cup of water and freeze him, it will help you get over those bad feelings.

That little man was taped to the letter on my refrigerator until two weeks ago when, after being so tired of for some damn reason thinking about fuck face, I finally dropped “David” in to a cup of water and froze that little ass hole.

On Monday, I received this:

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I told my grandmother, who laughed. Then said OK, take him out of the freezer and let him thaw out for a while. He really needs a job so he can pay you.

He is thawing out on the stove.

Mission accomplished

You guys I finally did it.

I went on a first date that was SO bad I left after 45 painful minutes..

I did it, I’ve hit rock bottom in the dating world.

I found him on match.com. (Damn you match!) We were supposed to go paddle boarding but It was about to rain when I showed up. I’d gladly welcome the rain after what I saw when I arrived. He was about 10 years older and 20 pounds heavier than his photos. He also smelled. If that wasn’t bad enough he talked about how before consulting, he used to market condoms and vibrators. He proceeded to tell me more about vibrators than I’d ever like to know. Oh and he brought his very little dog along that used to be his girlfriends. Her visa expired so she had to go back to China. Lucky bitch.

After 30 minutes of walking in the beach I claimed I was being bitten by bugs. He offered a drink at his place, I said no thank you and got the fuck out!

I’m still quite grossed out from the entire interaction. UGH!

It can only get better from here right?

I may be throwing in the towel for a while. This whole dating thing isn’t working. For now, I’ll continue to get my needs met through phone sex with Mr. L. But please, stop me if you think this is a terrible idea.

Cute, gross

I’m tired of all the cuteness on Facebook today.

I keep seeing photos of everyone with their significant others, wedding photos and baby photos. Gross. can you all stop please?

I’m just over here hoping I don’t become a crazy cat lady one day.

Here’s what’s going on…

I’m kinda over the fisherman. The guy complains about work ALL the time. For 37 he is quite lost in life and really I just can’t take it anymore. Sorry dude, the back rubs and cooking skills are not quite enough to keep me around. The problem though? I don’t know how to cut it off! I’ve been avoiding him the past few days. Today he tried to invite himself to a party with my friends. Me = smothered. And not a burrito with green chili unfortunately.

I had a Match.com date. Then I cancelled it.

I’m a little lost. I’ve had a few dreams about fuck face (read: ex-husband) and it’s brought out some emotion I didn’t realize I had.

On a positive note, I’m waking up inside. For more than eight months now, I’ve been numb — dead inside. That’s what catching your husband telling another woman he loves her will do to you.

It’ll also make you lose weight, change your whole life and never trust another human being again.

What I do know is I’m not ready for anything serious. But, I’d like to find a nice, attractive guy who has his shit together to keep me company. And have a lot of sex. A girl’s got needs OK?

If you all know of any of those beings, send ‘em my way, deal?

End rant.

Bronco Blues

I went to my fisherman’s house last night for dinner and to watch the Denver Broncos game. 

I’ve been a little turned off by him the past week, so I took some space. This was the first night I’d seen him — and agreed to stay with him — in a while. 

I didn’t realize that a simple football game would bring up so much emotion. It made me miss Colorado, my home, my family and all things weekend football party and fall in Denver. 

Things are so different now.

And to make matters worse, I cried. Like a baby. And wanted to run away from him so I could hibernate in my bed and think of all the things I miss. 

For once I felt like I had emotions again, that I wasn’t dead inside (which I’ve been since the day I caught fuck face cheating). 

I didn’t run away though, you guys! I must be growing up! instead  I stayed and talked about why I was upset. He comforted me in a way I’ve never been before. We started talking about “us” and I was able to get a few things off my chest (even stupid stuff like that bathroom issue) and the fact that sometimes he talks over me.

It was a real adult conversation! After so many years with f.f. I forgot what that was even like! 

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Here is me being completely spoiled with wine, dinner, football and my feet up.

He did bring up the “what are we” conversation. Again I wanted to run but instead I told him I wasn’t quite ready to be his girlfriend. 

I don’t know what I am ready for….

On a whim Saturday night, I signed up for Match.com. Terrible idea?

That same night, I had phone sex with Mr. L who is living in Denver if you recall.

Does this sound like an episode of Sex and the City yet?

I am a mess, i know. 

#Idon’tknowhowtobesingle

Irrational turnoffs

You guys, I need your help.

I don’t know if I’m being irrational, putting up a wall or am completely right about these few minor things that happened with my fisherman, the guy I’m dating (second guy since my divorce).

First, he peed with the door open. OK many of you do this I’m sure but one, it’s too soon for that, we’ve been dating for a month. And two, I never, not once went to the bathroom in front of my ex-husband. Call me crazy, but I think some things should always be kept private. Your toilet business is one of them.

Second, on first glance, his house is pretty tidy and clean. But when you look close, or open the microwave for God’s sakes, it’s SO dirty! We’re talking gross here. OK I know this house Is somewhat of a bachelor pad but c’mon can we please keep the microwaves from looking like an animal exploded inside of it?

And lastly, the guy sweats like crazy. It’s fine… Except when he sweats on me while having sex. Uh, I had to rinse off in the shower when we were done. Also gross.

Help! What do I do? I’m i just being sensitive? Are all men like this in one way or another?

In every other way (so far) the guy is fabulous. He loves to cook for me and we had a fabulous meal last night.

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He is very affectionate which I love and has his shit together! Something that’s required to date me.

So what’s my problem? Clearly I’m afraid of getting serious with anyone after what I went through with my ex-husband (his name is fuck face for a reason). But is the fear making me nit pick? Is it making me find reasons to not be with someone? Ugh, post divorce dating dilemmas… Help!!

Slapped by nature

I hit the beach for a sunrise run this morning. I haven’t been in two weeks and that makes me sad! I’ve been to busy with getting my ass kicked at work (election night) and extra curricular activities (my fisherman).

It was a beautiful morning, the waves were huge from the hurricane way offshore.

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I ran about a mile down the beach and about stepped on this little guy…

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I was looking down a hole in the rocks on the beach, the hole was about the size of my head and I could see waves through the hole.

I saw a prime opportunity to take an artsy Instagram photo of said hole to pretend like I have some artistic talent.

Before a knew it, a huge wave came in, hit the hole and sprayed so much water on me it felt like being hit with a fire hose! So really, I was bitch slapped by the ocean.

I walked the mile back down the beach, soaked, with sand in every crevasse of my body — nose, ears, hair among many others.

The seat in my car is soaked and I’ll be pulling sand out of my hair for days.

Well played Mother Nature.

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Lets talk about…

My mother always wants a play-by-play of what I am doing with my life. Lately, there has been a lot of play-by-play about my fisherman, the new guy I’ve been dating that is 10 years older than I am.

Then my mother decided to be entirely too nosey and ask about sex.

Uh, is it normal to talk about orgasms with your mother? I don’t think so.

But, I shouldn’t be surprised, my mother has no filter. So I told her enough to get her off my back without giving her the dirty details. Does she really need to know the details? She asked my if it was good, and I said “well I’m still sleeping with him so yes. it’s good.” Then she asked me how my fisherman compared to fuckface, my awful ex-husband. How do I even go about explaining this! Ha. My response was “he lasts a lot longer.” She thought this was hilarious but then wanted even more details. I finally caved and said “Mom! yes he is good and he can get me off quickly. Fuckface could only get me off ‘manually.'”

Manually, ha! I should make a list of all the things I don’t miss about my ex-husband and send them to him in the mail.