A yellow bug & an arranged marriage

So that attractive divorced Indian guy from Seattle I spoke of in my last post?

More like not-so-attractive, drives a yellow bug, was involved in an arranged marriage, might be gay, stage five clinger.

We met on match.com and during the date he told me he was concerned I was still talking to other men on the website because he had been looking to see when I was “last active.”

This stuff is too good to make up.

The next day he called and texted multiple times. Not one of which I responded to.

And yesterday I cut things off with him. And by cut off I mean sat on the phone for an hour trying to explain what chemistry was and how we didn’t have any.

He was mad. I finally hung up on him and was free at last.

Or so I thought.

He called tonight. I didn’t answer. He texted to say he called to apologize. Then this happened:


I’m sure that’s not the end of yellow bug guy.

And just an update: my dermatologist took four skin biopsies from my back, stomach, leg and left boob. I’ve got large holes on my body now and was told to stay out of the water and away from the sun for two weeks. Awesome. It’s Florida, all there is is water and sun!

Introducing Mrs. Therapy

I finally made an appointment to see a therapist.

Because, let’s face it, I’ve got some fucked up feelings about love, trust and relationships in general.

Over the phone she asked a few basics like if I’m single, dating or married. I responded with “newly divorced.”

She then asked if I was familiar with the area because her building is hard to find. I admitted that I didn’t know the area and had moved to Florida less than six months ago.

She responded with “oh wow, I can see why you might be coming to see me then.”

Yes thank you Mrs. Therapy, I clearly am dealing with some fucked up shit.

The woman is booked and I have to wait a month to see her. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Let me get you up to speed on what else I’ve been doing.

I went on yet another terrible date with a short man who told me just before meeting me he picked up his sleeping mask for sleep apnea.

I stopped talking to Mr. L, the guy I was sort of dating when I moved here — then he moved to Denver (WTF!) He kept calling me babe and want to have phone sex every night. That got old fast.

I made an appointment to see a dermatologist because I live in Florida now and my awesome tans could lead to cancer. Oh and because I currently have at least 10 pimples on my face. I feel like I’m back in middle school.

My job announced they will be making layoffs.

I apparently made quite the concerned face during the meeting because our top editor pulled me into his office and told me to relax because I’m not going anywhere.

I started chatting with an attractive, divorced guy from Seattle. He lives here now and comes from Indian parents. I was very excited until my gay best friend told me the guy probably isn’t circumcised. Great.

I’ve been to the beach, a lot. I’m here as I’m writing this. The beach is my happy place and the thing that keeps me sane. Except for that possible cancer part.

Oh and I’ve decided to get a roommate. Because I’m broke.

Until next time blog world ❤️


A little story on karma

Let me tell you a little story.

After about three months of being separated from fuck face (read: ex-husband who cheated) my very gay uncle who I love dearly sent me a letter. He told me how awesome of a person I am and that he and his partner are thinking about me. He also used a few curse words involving fuck face’s name.

Also in the letter was a very little woven man who he named David.

He said he once got one of these little men from a friend. And legend says if you name the little man after someone you don’t care for, then drop said man in a small cup of water and freeze him, it will help you get over those bad feelings.

That little man was taped to the letter on my refrigerator until two weeks ago when, after being so tired of for some damn reason thinking about fuck face, I finally dropped “David” in to a cup of water and froze that little ass hole.

On Monday, I received this:


I told my grandmother, who laughed. Then said OK, take him out of the freezer and let him thaw out for a while. He really needs a job so he can pay you.

He is thawing out on the stove.

Mission accomplished

You guys I finally did it.

I went on a first date that was SO bad I left after 45 painful minutes..

I did it, I’ve hit rock bottom in the dating world.

I found him on match.com. (Damn you match!) We were supposed to go paddle boarding but It was about to rain when I showed up. I’d gladly welcome the rain after what I saw when I arrived. He was about 10 years older and 20 pounds heavier than his photos. He also smelled. If that wasn’t bad enough he talked about how before consulting, he used to market condoms and vibrators. He proceeded to tell me more about vibrators than I’d ever like to know. Oh and he brought his very little dog along that used to be his girlfriends. Her visa expired so she had to go back to China. Lucky bitch.

After 30 minutes of walking in the beach I claimed I was being bitten by bugs. He offered a drink at his place, I said no thank you and got the fuck out!

I’m still quite grossed out from the entire interaction. UGH!

It can only get better from here right?

I may be throwing in the towel for a while. This whole dating thing isn’t working. For now, I’ll continue to get my needs met through phone sex with Mr. L. But please, stop me if you think this is a terrible idea.

Cute, gross

I’m tired of all the cuteness on Facebook today.

I keep seeing photos of everyone with their significant others, wedding photos and baby photos. Gross. can you all stop please?

I’m just over here hoping I don’t become a crazy cat lady one day.

Here’s what’s going on…

I’m kinda over the fisherman. The guy complains about work ALL the time. For 37 he is quite lost in life and really I just can’t take it anymore. Sorry dude, the back rubs and cooking skills are not quite enough to keep me around. The problem though? I don’t know how to cut it off! I’ve been avoiding him the past few days. Today he tried to invite himself to a party with my friends. Me = smothered. And not a burrito with green chili unfortunately.

I had a Match.com date. Then I cancelled it.

I’m a little lost. I’ve had a few dreams about fuck face (read: ex-husband) and it’s brought out some emotion I didn’t realize I had.

On a positive note, I’m waking up inside. For more than eight months now, I’ve been numb — dead inside. That’s what catching your husband telling another woman he loves her will do to you.

It’ll also make you lose weight, change your whole life and never trust another human being again.

What I do know is I’m not ready for anything serious. But, I’d like to find a nice, attractive guy who has his shit together to keep me company. And have a lot of sex. A girl’s got needs OK?

If you all know of any of those beings, send ‘em my way, deal?

End rant.

Bronco Blues

I went to my fisherman’s house last night for dinner and to watch the Denver Broncos game. 

I’ve been a little turned off by him the past week, so I took some space. This was the first night I’d seen him — and agreed to stay with him — in a while. 

I didn’t realize that a simple football game would bring up so much emotion. It made me miss Colorado, my home, my family and all things weekend football party and fall in Denver. 

Things are so different now.

And to make matters worse, I cried. Like a baby. And wanted to run away from him so I could hibernate in my bed and think of all the things I miss. 

For once I felt like I had emotions again, that I wasn’t dead inside (which I’ve been since the day I caught fuck face cheating). 

I didn’t run away though, you guys! I must be growing up! instead  I stayed and talked about why I was upset. He comforted me in a way I’ve never been before. We started talking about “us” and I was able to get a few things off my chest (even stupid stuff like that bathroom issue) and the fact that sometimes he talks over me.

It was a real adult conversation! After so many years with f.f. I forgot what that was even like! 

Here is me being completely spoiled with wine, dinner, football and my feet up.

He did bring up the “what are we” conversation. Again I wanted to run but instead I told him I wasn’t quite ready to be his girlfriend. 

I don’t know what I am ready for….

On a whim Saturday night, I signed up for Match.com. Terrible idea?

That same night, I had phone sex with Mr. L who is living in Denver if you recall.

Does this sound like an episode of Sex and the City yet?

I am a mess, i know. 


Irrational turnoffs

You guys, I need your help.

I don’t know if I’m being irrational, putting up a wall or am completely right about these few minor things that happened with my fisherman, the guy I’m dating (second guy since my divorce).

First, he peed with the door open. OK many of you do this I’m sure but one, it’s too soon for that, we’ve been dating for a month. And two, I never, not once went to the bathroom in front of my ex-husband. Call me crazy, but I think some things should always be kept private. Your toilet business is one of them.

Second, on first glance, his house is pretty tidy and clean. But when you look close, or open the microwave for God’s sakes, it’s SO dirty! We’re talking gross here. OK I know this house Is somewhat of a bachelor pad but c’mon can we please keep the microwaves from looking like an animal exploded inside of it?

And lastly, the guy sweats like crazy. It’s fine… Except when he sweats on me while having sex. Uh, I had to rinse off in the shower when we were done. Also gross.

Help! What do I do? I’m i just being sensitive? Are all men like this in one way or another?

In every other way (so far) the guy is fabulous. He loves to cook for me and we had a fabulous meal last night.


He is very affectionate which I love and has his shit together! Something that’s required to date me.

So what’s my problem? Clearly I’m afraid of getting serious with anyone after what I went through with my ex-husband (his name is fuck face for a reason). But is the fear making me nit pick? Is it making me find reasons to not be with someone? Ugh, post divorce dating dilemmas… Help!!